Pretty sad when your family attacks you even more than your friends when you don't conform to their image of what your actions towards them should be.
So immediately I will begin to pull back my social media activity so very few people know what I'm up to.
I really don't care to share what's troubling me with people, let alone my family outside of my daughter. She's knows most things because I trust her and she doesn't judge me, thank goodness.
I do the things that I do to stay busy - and keep from being lonely, to be frank. That's revealing, isn't it.
There are folks who I have interest in, but they're way out of my league. Why settle, right?
I had one almost three years ago invite me to a birthday party of hers at her house and I felt valued, yet at the same time odd, and to this day, I feel lesser to that individual as much as I would like to like them more than just to say Hi! at a race.
They're the only person that's given me their phone number and I text periodically, but there's no great joy that I have similar to engagement with my best friends, my daughter and Bill Dwyer.
The latest issue revolved around transferring the title on a car that my grandmother had when she passed.
I drove the car from Pennsylvania to Texas - at my expense (in lieu of not being assessed a price for the vehicle, which I offered to pay Blue Book for) - and when I drove it, the tires weren't in the best shape, some of which was known because of some cupping noises from the car sitting primarily in a garage for long periods of time.
When I got it here, I had work done on it, but felt like the place where I've taken my Impala that I've had for the last three years didn't deal me right -- and as I drove the vehicle, after they aligned it, it pulled even more to right.
I was really concerned that it might rub enough to cause a blowout, but there's an issue that I have of the fear of the unknown that comes with facing some issues that kept me from getting it looked at.
At the same time, I knew that it needed to be inspected before the title was eligible to be transferred to me.
I kept bottling that fear, which nobody understood, and if I had shared it, there wouldn't have been any love and concern towards me just condemnation ... so why share it?
In the meantime, on my Impala, I accidentally tried to drive it - in a parking lot - up over a median that I didn't think was obstructed. It looked like I was dripping oil or some other dark substance, but when I got it home it really didn't show anything and the oil level in the car showed that it was full as the oil had just been changed.
So instead of driving it, I left it sit. For weeks.
I agreed to go today to get the title changed so I had to get my grandmother's car inspected and got that done yesterday.
I drove my Impala around the subdivision yesterday for 4-5 miles with no issues.
And I went yesterday afternoon and put four new tires at Discount Tire on my grandmother's car. $1,300 in to it altogether.
Days like these, it really doesn't feel worth it.
This year, I had my best friend really done wrong I felt and I stood in support of him with some cost - I pretty much walked away from announcing because I wasn't going to break a vow that I had made when he had been wronged by that individual.
But since I stick to myself, I didn't impart that loss to anybody nor have I whined about it.
Another producer had slow paid me on an invoice and I just felt like - unless you have a valid reason not to pay, like a cash shortfall - I should have been paid timely with what was agreed upon. And if not, tell me why you can't.
In walking away from that producer, I - to just not have to deal with it - left $800 - two races at $400 apiece - on the table and said I wouldn't be available to announce any more.
A similar situation had occurred three years earlier with another producer in town.
Yet still, I just keep rocking on doing my own thing - and trying not to bother as few people as possible.
"Why be a burden to other people?" is how I look at it.
I was actually chastised today for doing everything on my own. Gee, I thought there was some nobility in that. Don't they call it self-determination?
At almost 53, it is just stuff that I don't know why I have to deal with. I try to live a drama and stress-free life. I try to be as decisive as I can outside of some of the fears and loneliness that I battle and deal with.
I'll survive, but I wonder what the cost will be.
If you can figure it out for me, please let me know. I'd appreciate it.
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