Tap Out Ten; May 16, 2021

One thing I know this evening is there was a time in my life that I asked God to come into my life and save my soul.

So even if the worst of anything would happen, I know where I will spend eternity.

Doesn’t give me free rein to sin, which, of course, I struggle with at times, but it means that I can go to God and ask for forgiveness of my sins as I become aware of them.

I just pray that those out there who despise me will come to the same realization in their life and that is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Doesn’t mean that their life will be free of strife or trouble, but rather that they have a new source to draw upon as they go through their life daily.

I’m obviously going through some tough times right now dealing with an individual who has treated me wrong.

I’m working through the process of forgiving that individual even though I don’t ever expect a full apology to what they willfully did.

How do I know that they know that they did something?  Their statement from the second week of March where they said “I think I got in trouble in.”  Again they knew.

Why not just apologize fully?

Why not even today - with them knowing that they’re likely have harmed somebody - can’t they say I apologize and work in a new direction.  

A friend in the community shared two years ago that a person in that situation has no conscience.

I feel deeply sorry for them, and if that’s the case and I hope that they would seek help before they harm anybody else.

Coping Memes; May 13, 2021

 "If I ever stopped talking to you and removed you from my life, I hope you understand how hard that was for me.  I have a bad habit of holding onto the good in people, no matter how bad they're for me or treat me.  So, if you have been removed, it's because you pushed me past my limits."

And the individual thinks I've been on again, off again.  Why?  Because I've forgiven them and tried giving them multiple second chances and they're no more closer to being a friend than they were before.

"Your relationship with a narcissist didn't fail by chance, it failed by design.  Narcissists don't want a happy relationship.  They want a relationship that makes them feel powerful, superior but also wronged by their inferiors."

I believe this.  I think that my praise of them at times was like a drug or narcotic almost.  And when I tried to push to make it like any other friendship that I have and asked them for time, they're too good to meet and break bread with me.

"The problem with being abused by a narcissist is how charming they appear to everyone else.  No one can truly believe that someone like that is an abuser.  They make it seem like you're lying.  They play everyone like a puppet on strings.  To everyone else, you're 'overreacting' but the narcissist knows what they're doing.  They know that they're making you look bad and they enjoy it."

Which if the latter is really truly, it is really sick.

"Trying to look for the good in clearly toxic people is probably a trauma response."

You want to believe that there's no way that they can allow it to go on one day longer, but they do.

"Once you see the true character of the narcissist you can't unsee it. Everything they say and do is from an acting perspective.  They live in a land of make believe and if you don't take your script and act your part in their twisted drama, you will see the most vile movie director to ever walk the planet.  You are not a person to them.  You are only a two bit-actor that has been blessed to snag a role in their horror show.  If you don't play the part you will be replaced."

Please replace me.  Forever.  

Three weeks ago, I finally saw their hate. And that's OK.

It isn't on me.  It is on them.  And they know it.

"Don't get it twisted.  Narcissists understand exactly what you're saying.  It's not a communication problem, it is a "I don't want to take accountability for my actions problem" so I play stupid."

Their response, "I think where I got "into trouble"..."  They knew.  

They just don't have the character nor class to apologize.

"A narcissist will provoke you to get a reaction out of you so that they can blame it all on you."

My only reactions have been on these posts.  Blame me for these, but this is just documentation.

Daily Reading Efforts - January 2021

01/31/2021 - October 13, 1517:  Martin Luther And The Day That Changed The World (Pages 1-12)

01/30/2021 - Nothing
01/29/2021 - Nothing
01/28/2021 - Nothing
01/27/2021 - Heroes of The Heisman Trophy (Pages 78-110); Abe Lemons:  Court Magician (Pages 42-56)
01/26/2021 - Nothing
01/25/2021 - Abe Lemons:  Court Magician (Pages 19-41)
01/24/2021 - Bart Giamatti:  A Profile (7-51); Run The World (Pages 1-57); Abe Lemons:  Court Magician (Pages 7-18)
01/23/2021 - Bart Giamatti:  A Profile (Pages ix-xvi and 1-6)
01/22/2021 - The Night Casey Was Born:  The True Story Behind the Great American Ballad "Casey at the Bat" (Pages 166-End); Heroes of The Heisman Trophy (Pages 48-77); A Planet Of Viruses, Second Edition (Pages 71-End)
01/21/2021 - The Night Casey Was Born:  The True Story Behind the Great American Ballad "Casey at the Bat" (Pages 104-165)
01/20/2021 - The Night Casey Was Born:  The True Story Behind the Great American Ballad "Casey at the Bat" (Pages 54-103)
01/19/2021 - The Night Casey Was Born:  The True Story Behind the Great American Ballad "Casey at the Bat" (Pages 46-53)
01/18/2021 - A Planet Of Viruses, Second Edition (Pages 37-70); The Night Casey Was Born:  The True Story Behind the Great American Ballad "Casey at the Bat" (Pages 1-45)
01/17/2021 - A Spirit Of Perseverance (Pages 37-45)
01/16/2021 - No Such Thing As Can't (Pages 81-220)
01/15/2021 - No Such Thing As Can't (Pages 33-80)

01/14/2021 - Hillbilly Elegy (Pages 223-273)
01/13/2021 - Hillbilly Elegy (Pages 190-222); A Spirit Of Perseverance (Pages 1-36)
01/12/2021 - No Such Thing As Can't (Pages 1-32)
01/11/2021 - Between The White Lines:  Coach W.T. Johnston's Determined Pursuit of Ultimate Victory (Pages 110-181)
01/10/2021 - Between The White Lines:  Coach W.T. Johnston's Determined Pursuit of Ultimate Victory (Pages 33-109)
01/09/2021 - Nothing
01/08/2021 - Between The White Lines:  Coach W.T. Johnston's Determined Pursuit of Ultimate Victory (Pages 13-32)
01/07/2021 - Where Dreams Die Hard:  A Small American Town And Its Six-Man Football Team (Pages 182-201); Between The White Lines:  Coach W.T. Johnston's Determined Pursuit of Ultimate Victory (Pages 8-12)
01/06/2021 - Where Dreams Die Hard:  A Small American Town And Its Six-Man Football Team (Pages 60-181)
01/05/2021 - Where Dreams Die Hard:  A Small American Town And Its Six-Man Football Team (Pages 8-59)

01/04/2021 - Where Dreams Die Hard:  A Small American Town And Its Six-Man Football Team (Pages xi-xvii, 1-7); A Planet Of Viruses, Second Edition (Pages ix-x, 1-36)
01/03/2021 - Hillbilly Elegy (Pages 178-189)
01/02/2021 - Hillbilly Elegy (Pages 147-177)
01/01/2021 - Between The White Lines:  Coach W.T. Johnston's Determined Pursuit of Ultimate Victory (Pages 1-7)
12/31/2020 - Nothing
12/30/2020 - Hillbilly Elegy (Pages 91-146); Undefeated, Untied, Unscored Upon:  The Story of Pennsylvania's 1957 Cass Township Football Team (Pages 1-41)
12/29/2020 - Hillbilly Elegy (Pages 30-90)
12/28/2020 - Hillbilly Elegy (Pages 1-29)

Daily Reading Efforts - February 2021

02/28/2021 - Nothing

02/27/2021 - Nothing
02/26/2021 - Your Legacy:  The Greatest Gift (Pages 45-88)
02/25/2021 - Happy First: How to Win Life in the Moment at Home, at Work, at the Gym, and Even in the Kitchen (Pages 79-99)
02/24/2021 - In the Middle of the Mess:  Strength For This Beautiful, Broken Life (Pages xi-xvii, 7-37)
02/23/2021 - Happy First: How to Win Life in the Moment at Home, at Work, at the Gym, and Even in the Kitchen (Pages 59-78)
02/22/2021 - The Seven Deadly Friendships:  How To Heal When Painful Relationships Eat Away At Your Joy (Pages 192-201); In the Middle of the Mess:  Strength For This Beautiful, Broken Life (Pages xi-xvii, 1-6)
02/21/2021 - Nothing
02/20/2021 - Nothing
02/19/2021 - Nothing
02/18/2021 - Happy First: How to Win Life in the Moment at Home, at Work, at the Gym, and Even in the Kitchen (Pages 34-58)
02/17/2021 - The Seven Deadly Friendships:  How To Heal When Painful Relationships Eat Away At Your Joy (Pages 140-191)
02/16/2021 - Nothing
02/15/2021 - The Seven Deadly Friendships:  How To Heal When Painful Relationships Eat Away At Your Joy (Pages 106-140)
02/14/2021 - My Life (Pages 38-90); Your Legacy:  The Greatest Gift (Pages 1-44, Preface)
02/13/2021 - Wrestling For My Life:  The Legend, The Reality, And The Faith Of A WWE Superstar (Pages 71-161)
02/12/2021 - Nothing
02/11/2021 - Wrestling For My Life:  The Legend, The Reality, And The Faith Of A WWE Superstar (Pages 42-70)
02/10/2021 - Happy First: How to Win Life in the Moment at Home, at Work, at the Gym, and Even in the Kitchen (Pages 8-33)
02/09/2021 - Happy First: How to Win Life in the Moment at Home, at Work, at the Gym, and Even in the Kitchen (Pages 1-7)
02/08/2021 - Wrestling For My Life:  The Legend, The Reality, And The Faith Of A WWE Superstar (Pages 5-41)
02/07/2021 - The Seven Deadly Friendships:  How To Heal When Painful Relationships Eat Away At Your Joy (Pages 96-105)
02/06/2021 - The Seven Deadly Friendships:  How To Heal When Painful Relationships Eat Away At Your Joy (Pages 43-95)
02/05/2021 - Nothing
02/04/2021 - The Case For Christmas:  A Journalist Investigates the Identity of the Child in the Manger (Pages 86-100); The Seven Deadly Friendships:  How To Heal When Painful Relationships Eat Away At Your Joy (Pages 11-42); Abe Lemons:  Court Magician (Pages 57-77)
02/03/2021 - The Case For Christmas:  A Journalist Investigates the Identity of the Child in the Manger (Pages 59-85)
02/02/2021 - The Case For Christmas:  A Journalist Investigates the Identity of the Child in the Manger (Pages 7-58)
02/01/2021 - October 13, 1517:  Martin Luther And The Day That Changed The World (Pages 13 - 114); My Life (Pages 7-37)

Daily Reading Efforts -- March 2021

03/30/2021 - Nothing

03/29/2021 - The Legend of Bear Bryant (Pages 166-218)
03/28/2021 - The Legend of Bear Bryant (Pages 129-165)
03/27/2021 - Run The World (Pages 215-270); The Legend of Bear Bryant (Pages 90-128)
03/26/2021 - Nothing
03/25/2021 - Run The World (Pages 187-214)
03/24/2021 - Run The World (Pages 163-186)
03/23/2021 - Run The World (Pages 128-162)
03/22/2021 - Nothing
03/21/2021 - Run The World (Pages 125-127)
03/20/2021 - Nothing
03/19/2021 - Run The World (Pages 92-124)
03/18/2021 - Run The World (Pages 58-91)
03/17/2021 - The Legend of Bear Bryant (Pages 64-89)
03/16/2021 - Nothing
03/15/2021 - Dear Jay, Love Dad:  Bud Wilkinson's Letters To His Son (Pages 123-188)
03/14/2021 - The Legend of Bear Bryant (Pages 12-63)
03/13/2021 - The Legend of Bear Bryant (Pages 1-11)
03/12/2021 - Twelfth Man In The Huddle (Pages 42-50); Dear Jay, Love Dad:  Bud Wilkinson's Letters To His Son (Pages 91-122)
03/11/2021 - Fresh Out Of Amazing:  Opening Your Heart To God's Unexpected Invitation (Pages 28-55)
03/10/2021 - God's Hostage:  A True Story Of Persecution, Imprisonment, And Perseverance (Pages 200-249); Fresh Out Of Amazing:  Opening Your Heart To God's Unexpected Invitation (Pages 1-27)
03/09/2021 - Putting An X Through Anxiety:  Breaking Free from the Grip of Worry and Stress (Pages 1-60)

03/08/2021 - Nothing
03/07/2021 - Nothing
03/06/2021 - Nothing
03/05/2021 - Nothing
03/04/2021 - God's Hostage:  A True Story Of Persecution, Imprisonment, And Perseverance (Pages 168-199)
03/03/2021 - God's Hostage:  A True Story Of Persecution, Imprisonment, And Perseverance (Pages 135-167)
03/02/2021 - God's Hostage:  A True Story Of Persecution, Imprisonment, And Perseverance (Pages 10-134)
03/01/2021 - Happy First: How to Win Life in the Moment at Home, at Work, at the Gym, and Even in the Kitchen (Pages 100-136)

Daily Reading Efforts - April 2021

04/30/2021 - Nothing

04/29/2021 - What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (Pages 89-139)
04/28/2021 - What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (Pages 54-88); The Gift of Forgiveness:  Inspiring Stories from Those Who Have Overcome the  Unforgivable (Pages 1-22); A Most Beautiful Thing:  The True Story of America's First All-Black High School Rowing Team (Pages 1-26)

04/27/2021 - Nothing

04/26/2021 - What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (Pages 28-53)
04/24-25/2021 - Nothing
04/23/2021 - What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (Pages v-vii, 3-27)
04/22/2021 - Your Legacy:  The Greatest Gift (Pages 168-178); Didn't See That Coming:  Putting Life Back Together When Your World Falls Apart (Pages 1-46)

04/17-21/2021 - Nothing
04/16/2021 - Your Legacy:  The Greatest Gift (Pages 149-167)

04/15/2021 - Hope In The Dark:  Believing God is Good When Life is Not (Pages 111-158)
04/14/2021 - Hope In The Dark:  Believing God is Good When Life is Not (Pages 94-110)
04/13/2021 - Hope In The Dark:  Believing God is Good When Life is Not (Pages 73-93)

04/10-12/2021 - Nothing

04/09/2021 - Hope In The Dark:  Believing God is Good When Life is Not (Pages 9-72)
04/08/2021 - Your Legacy:  The Greatest Gift (Pages 89-148)
04/06-07/2021 - Nothing
04/05/2021 - Abe Lemons:  Court Magician (Pages 78-99)
04/04/2021 - Heroes of The Heisman Trophy (Pages 174-190)`
04/03/2021 - Heroes of The Heisman Trophy (Pages 78-173); The Cost:  My Life On A Terrorist Hit List (Pages 11-23); Home Run:  The Best Writing About Baseball's Most Exciting Moment (Pages XIII-XX, 1-15)
04/02/2021 - The Legend of Bear Bryant (Pages 219-241)
04/01/2021 - Nothing

Forgiveness; May 6, 2021

A friend wrote to me last Saturday, "You did not try to extend grace and undeserved forgiveness, you did extend grace and forgiveness!  It was not accepted but you have no control over that and to be honest, based on their personality we should not be surprised.  However, it is still surprising to people like you and me because we can not fathom acting that way.  

"I am glad you have a book on forgiveness.  I have read and studied forgiveness a lot.  The most important thing that I have learned is that forgiveness is for you and not for them.  Most of the time it is undeserved and most importantly it is a command from God to forgive others.  Forgiveness will also help get you out of the cloud and on your way to freedom."

The book that I recently purchased on forgiveness is "The Gift of Forgiveness:  Inspiring Stories from Those Who Have Overcome the Unforgivable".

I just finished chapter three about Sarah Klein, who had been abused the longest by Michigan State gymnastics trainer Larry Nassar.  The chapter, however, started with a quote from a Bryant McGill. 

It read, "Forgiveness has nothing whatsoever to do with how wrong someone else was; no matter how evil, cruel, narcissistic, or unrepentant they are.  When you forgive a person, you break the ties with their ill deeds that keep you in anguish."

I've been going through that currently.  

It will still take awhile, but I'm in a much, much better place than a couple of weeks ago.

Klein herself stated on page 30 of the book, the following:

"Just because you forgive somebody doesn't mean you have to reconcile with them and let them back in your world.  You can forgive them and still not be okay with them.  And that distinction helps me forgive, too."

And that's exactly where I'm moving through these days.

I told a different friend last night that it was hard for me to have them run right by me twice during a race last month and not cheer for them or - what I didn't share with them - to take the time on Sunday to wish them Happy Mother's Day.

It's hard, but necessary.