Conflicted; November 1, 2020

I wrote this early Sunday morning, November 1, 2020.  Like right after midnight.  I've had a chance to sleep on it, but my emotional state hasn't changed since then.

I can't stand fake, phony people, those who are users (and there have been some of those I didn't catch on to quickly enough, kk/as/lr) or those who don't make their intentions known.

I also don't understand why we place so much emphasis on social media.  Why is it really so important?

What's burning me up tonight?  

I was asked on Thursday from someone, "Been meaning to ask you... can we become fb friends again?"

I hedged for a little bit, but my response was:  "If it is important to you, then yes."

Here's the deal:  I wouldn't lose a minute's sleep if I wasn't - friends with them on Facebook - because I haven't been for years - talking maybe five to six years.  

I don't have a bead on what they're doing nor (have I or) do I want to because when I see them in person, up until recently, they would never, ever talk to me.

They would talk freely with everybody else, but not have a serious dialogue of any kind with me.

It really burned me up.  And still does to some extent.  (But they would make an extra effort to say good bye - as they did to everybody - when they left.)

Does that reveal a need on their end?  I don't know.

One of the few verses that I cling to is the one that speaks to showing yourself friendly if you expect to have friends.

While I have liked the individual, I have really resented the lack of communication and if any, the lack of any substance.

I added as a caveat, to my response, "But fair warning, reading my Facebook page is way more effective than NyQuil, according to the percentage of people who respond!"

Which should have really read "don't respond!"

Their response was:  "-Shaking my head-".  (I don't know if that was typed or if that was a moving emoji on the newest iOS, which I haven't loaded to my iPhone yet.)

While I don't know if they were just disagreeing with the latter statement or were disapproving of my reasoning for grant their wish, I extended the invitation and they accepted.

But, here's the deal:  I hide very, very little on my Facebook as I have nothing really to hide.

The bottom line is:  I'm boring.

Nor am I too funny or the life of the party.

(Unless, you've taken the time to engage enough with me to know that I'm a really good guy with a big heart.)

If I weren't either of those, I suppose that I wouldn't spend as much time alone as I do.

I'm not mad, but probably more disappointed than anything else.

I think you learn about people by talking with them (or openly communicating with them in electronic formats), although occasionally you learn something via social media that you didn't catch in a face to face conversation.

And those things have caused me to pull away from those individuals online first and eventually in person.

I have failed - and continue to fail - in giving people too much credence or importance in my life.  If I were to make a list of friends, there are some that are high in the list when they really haven't done anything to earn it.

And then I have to ask myself why - when I'm disappoined that they haven't reciprocated as much as the ranking of importance that I gave them - I do give them that perceived stature.

I think I have an error in judging people.

I'll leave out the gory details, but when either people don't reach out to you on their own (an indication that they think about you and want to engage and interact with you) or conversations are all one-sided, you just realize that people are fake, or they're troubled and maybe crying out for help.  I don't know.  You, the reader, might have to give me some insight there.

This individual, though, by the way, recently expressed some concern about how life was becoming increasingly hard and constantly being uphill.

The person also had revealed to me earlier this year that a friend of theirs had committed suicide.

Their words:  "But I worry that I limiting myself by just looking at what’s in front of me, and nothing else. Will I ever be able to grasp more again? Life has become overwhelming... a constant uphill."

I had a choice:  Just end the conversation or respond.

And one of my thoughts was that if they really were troubled and did something drastic and I did nothing would I be able to live with that.  Of course not.

So my response was nuanced, but sincere:  "Although I imagine that you have about 1.2 million more friends than I do (lots of people know who I am ... but that doesn't mean they're all friends) ... if you need two ears to beat down, let me know (and I'll use both ends of the Q-tip on each ear to make sure I hear clearly).  Hang in there."

They were grateful.

I've learned the hard way.  One of the major reasons why I don't as much road race announcing as I used to is because a pair of race producers felt it was OK to delay payment and another didn't like when I felt like they had crossed an ethical line.

And while life compared to what it was in the last four to five years is much quieter because those producers behaved badly, I have to wonder why I even continue to pine over it.  Maybe because I still feel used.

I have a couple that are race directors who count us - me and my daughter - as part of their running family and invite us to visit on Christmas Day at their place every year.  (Not that I expect every one to do that!)  But it is just their way of saying we really like and appreciate you.

But back to the original story:  you're not going to find out a lot about me by being friends with me on Facebook.  Oh, you'll see the things that I do, but I never, ever post much opinion on anything, especially any social causes.  I just never want those to affect my current or future potential for employment.

I mean I have an opinion on something in this current election cycle that I think is just absolutely childish, but I'm not going to put it out there.

I just choose to distance myself from those people who display the behavior that I find disgusting and basically gutless.

So wouldn't it be wise to have a conversation with me, if you want to know?

I just think that many people are disingenuous.  They want their ego stroked with the least amount of commitment as possible.

In essence, they really don't want to know.

They're just in the business of collecting friends.  And they have plenty.  The one post that I saw after a "reconnect" had 130+ likes and 30+ comments after ten hours.  (Now, of course, when I post something of my daughter, it blows Facebook up too.)

Or they're waiting for me to ask them, you might say?

In this one case, that just won't happen.  It will never happen I don't believe.

Why?

While they're not a bad person (in fact I put the person and their children down as "good people"), I just don't trust them or their intentions.

If it just about being a friend, it is an odd way going about it, I think.

I errored. 

Actually, I should have just said, "No, I don't think it would be a good idea."

Because this writing - in this post - is the output of me trying to please them by connecting via that medium.

The only thing that they've ever responded on was something that I posted in the last month when I tagged my best friend and their running coach on something that I had made light of regarding a shortage during our COVID-19 pandemic.

Otherwise, make an effort, check the page out, like a post and comment on it.

If not, then why are you or, more importantly, were you lurking?

A good female race director friend of mine who I'm sharing all of this with and who has been of great counsel for me in matters of this type said that she had heard or read that after you browse somebody's Facebook profile a few times, you show up in their "Friends to Know" (or whatever it is named).

This person had and I removed them from the list.  This has been awhile back ago (some time between last online communications of April and September).

Or is all of this saying that this is this person's way of saying that they're interested.

I don't know.  I hate stuff like this.  I probably should be more forward, but I've been shot down on stuff enough.  It sucks, to be honest.

They had come to an event that I was working at the beginning of last month.  It was a two-day thing - Friday evening and Saturday morning.  I had seen them from afar - that word has some memories in this vain - Friday evening, but there wasn't any acknowledgement.

The next day while I finished up the responsibilities of one of the five or six events within an event, the individual came to the fence with their younger child to say "Hello!"

It was a good conversation with both of them.  The younger child is a seventh grader and communicated very well.

I noted later, "I really appreciated you and your child stopping to take the time and visiting for a few minutes.  You could have easily gotten my attention from afar, waived and called it a day.  So thank you.  They seem older than a 7th grader.  In that, they engaged in conversation well.  You should be proud."

I never compliment anybody unless I believe it to be true.

My female race director friend says in these moments that I should just play it cool.  I try.

Again, it's hard.

If you want to be a friend, show yourself friendly, but this person is very guarded and measured to me (as if they can't trust me), yet I see them being a passionate FRIEND - and nothing more - toward other people.

Did at one point in time I shut them out?  Yes, but not from the fact that they were trying to be a friend - and they failed.  I just hated seeing them with somebody that I thought was bad for them, and I didn't want to watch.  Jealous?  Sure, I owned that emotion.

They would run a race that I was announcing and I had to professionally announce their name - I wouldn't do anything less because that would take away from being a professional - while I saw them with this individual.  

I'm open for advice.

I do know that this right here though isn't healthy at all.

It is stressful, and I don't like it.

If you're the praying kind, keep me in your prayers.  At my age, I don't need this.

A Good Day; October 30, 2020

Today was a good day.

Well, Thursday was rather since I'm writing this early on Friday, October 30, 2020.

A couple of weeks ago, a good friend asked me if I was going to be at a cross country meet that her daughter was running in.

It was only a natural ask as I was the meet announcer for Nike South, put on by The Woodlands High School boys cross country program.

Turned out that it was for a practice meet put on by her daughter's coach, one week before the district meet.

As I have announced one of the region meets for the public schools and then the big end-of-year national regional meets, I normally don't make any of the district meets.  Moreso, because they're during the week, which affects my job.

However, my job allows me to be flexible when necessary as long as I get my work done and can respond in an emergency, if necessary.

So because I was asked and I could make it work, I went to my friend's daughter's meet to support and cheer on her daughter.

Their team finished second and they will advance to another region meet other than the one that I will announce next Monday and Tuesday in Huntsville.

But at the end of the day, it feels good to be able to do something nice for people that I easily put in the category of "good people".

There's not a more powerful drug I think when people realize that you truly care and that you have nothing to gain from your actions.

I just wish and hope in her daughter's next two years of competing that others will take the time to go out and watch her compete.  Her efforts are worthy of their attention.

Had a great time this afternoon and evening sharing the details of the day with my daughter - my best friend - as well as her running coach, who is second in the friend pecking order.  I'm blessed to count them as the best of the best.

I also had the opportunity to go over and visit with my Mom and Dad for a little bit this evening before catching a 9:50 p.m. movie at Star Cinema Grill Springwoods Village where I saw "Come Play".

It was a pretty good movie, but while I "got it" the ending was a little different.  In fact, it wasn't until I was driving back here to the house that I got a scene just before the end - and sort of pieced things all together.

Next on the docket for tomorrow?

Figure my weekend out.

I had plans to do a 5K double on Saturday morning, but the first city I planned to run in I ran a trail race there last year.

That race was to start at 7:30 a.m. while the one to follow was at 9 a.m.  Plenty of time to finish and drive to the next location -- 24 minutes over 22 miles.

There's a third race in another town at 8 a.m.

The 8 a.m. and the 9 a.m. towns are just 6.3 miles apart -- seven minutes.

However, the location of the second race is actually 11.5 miles -- 12 minutes.

So can I finish by, let's say, 8:35 a.m., drive 12 minutes, and get on the starting line in time?

We'll find out more later this morning, Friday.

And, oh, I cast my vote in the presidential election.  I won't tell, but if you know me, my leanings are vaguely clear.

If you're reading, thank you for doing so.

Tap Out Ten; September 24, 2020

For me, one of the biggest challenges is not knowing what it is that I want to do at any given moment.

As in, doing what will make me the most happy.

I've stated many times that I lead a pretty quiet life.

It is sleep, shower, work, eat, workout, read, go to a movie and that's about it.

I'm tired of most sporting events right now because of all of the limitations on the attendance at said events due to COVID-19.

I just don't have the freedom that I used to.

I've always liked not having restrictions placed on me.  That is, to be able to do mostly what I wish.

And a lot of times, I can't find what it is that I want to fit the bill.

About the only slam dunk right now in 2020 are movies.

There's a finite number of movies being released and making it into a theatre in our area so I figure out where the different ones are going to be and go.

I was asked by somebody if I go alone and the answer is, "Yes!"  All 67 this year in a theater have been by myself.

It's OK, as I see most movies late in the evening.  In fact, I just got back from one at the Star Cinema Grill in Springwoods Village which is closest to me.

Tonight's feature was a little pricey.  So much so that I should have gotten a meal with it instead of having a menu to choose from - and pay for.

I'm thankful that I have the monies and the time.

Earlier in the evening I got in a little more than a half hour workout on the Air Assault bike and knocked out a few chapters in the latest book that I'm reading called, "In The Blink of an Eye:  Forgiveness in Black and White."

It was the basis of the recent movie "My Brothers' Crossing", which was really, really good.

The interesting thing is that because of a comment I made on the movie's Facebook page I have actually communicated with one of the main individuals who was portrayed in the movie.

It is about a husband and wife who were involved in a Christian ministry that were killed in a motorcycle accident in late August 2015 in southwestern Virginia.

But the story is about how their family forgave the driver of the vehicle that caused the accident and how God used all of those situations to see many come to know Jesus Christ as their personal Savior.

And what's really neat - that I didn't learn until reading Chapter 1 of the book that the movie is based on - is that that man's daughter was a Resident Adviser the same year that my daughter was.

My daughter said that she recognized the young ladies' name and knows what she looks like, but never had the opportunity to meet her while at Liberty University.

Truly is that the world is indeed small.

Not much else going on.  I did get mentioned to announce a particular cross country meet, but it might be a bit too late.

The person that was putting me up for it might have ended up getting my name in a little late as the organization has already made a verbal commitment to somebody else, but that party hasn't returned a quote back in.

I like to think because of my preparation that I would be a natural fit (and because the organization likes for the announcer to use the information they have available), but it is in God's hands at this point.  

If He wants to make a way for me to be able to do so, He will.

If I don't get the opportunity, I'll be thankful that I was mentioned in the conversation.

Yet if it does occur, you can't get much bigger in the state of Texas.

Tap Out Ten; September 15, 2020

Great dinner with my parents on Sunday night.  

Something that my daughter and I don't do with them enough.  

Work is getting really busy as our clients and customers are going on new systems so a lot longer days are ahead soon enough.

So what did I do in response to that?

I bought myself an air mattress as one week out of six or more will be spent taking on call so there are nights that I likely will spend in my office.

Last night, I inflated it and did just that:  slept in the office.

Not sure why I got a queen instead of a twin as it filled up most of the entire floor.

The first half of the evening I slept better, but the second half I was up and down with those issues that men my age tend to have to deal with as we get older.

My doctor said that there's medicine for that but it might affect certain performance.  I think I told her that I didn't have to worry about any of that!

I will also be getting a new mattress for my bed soon.  It's been long, long overdue.  

Looking forward to getting a firm mattress.  

I don't even know what you would call the shape of what I'm sleeping on now.  I do sleep so it can't be incredibly terrible, but I can improve - and I have the money thankfully.

Close to finishing another book.  This one I got last week and it is called "God in the ICU:  The inspirational biography of a praying doctor."  (Not that I don't have enough already.)

The doctor is from South Africa and he shares his experiences with stories of prayers while serving as an anesthesiologist in various healthcare settings.  

Some of the language - not bad - is different, which makes you focus in even more; however, it's been a source of encouragement that if we know God and we get off the well-worn path that the easiest way back to Him is through prayer.  

And it isn't anything that has to be pretty or flowery.  Basically it is just:  talking to God.

It's also always good to hear some of the funny stories of the day that my daughter shares from her second grade classroom.  

So happy for her as her first year was such a challenge and almost a "beat down" that she's beginning to reap some of the benefits of her incredible hard work.  

And even if you know me a little, I've probably have told you how proud I am of her.

Not too much else going on.  Time to start thinking about the weekend.

I've got the new movies in the area mapped out as to when they're coming and going.  

I think there are four, plus one from back in August - "The Tax Collector" - that is in the area that I want to try to see in the next week or so.  That scene changes almost daily.

I also know of a 10-mile race over south of Johnson City and north of Blanco that is on the potential list for Saturday morning.  We'll see.  Haven't run 10 or more since before the pandemic started.  

There's a half marathon on the calendar for January 2 in Canton, which was a shift in the schedule after they cancelled the August event.  

The biggest benefit is that it should be cooler, but you just never know.  

I once ran the Texas Marathon in Kingwood on New Year's Day when it was in the low-to-mid 80s as I crossed the finish line.  Ouch!

Tap Out Ten; September 14, 2020

 I tweeted something irreverent earlier this evening and suddenly I wondered, "Who's following me and what might they thought about what I had just shared?

It was a tweet that was only intended about people in my world of following Texas private and parochial high school athletics.

Essentially, an attention-seeker.

Something that I am challenged by people who have that trait in their makeup.  

I know there is a stronger word for that, but I'd rather not use it.

I have always put my name to my work and I am disappointed when others don't.

It is almost that they are fearful of making a mistake and only seek to gain positive feedback.  I do not know, but, to me, it is a sad way to live.

Saw my 59th movie in a theater tonight in 2020.

One of the things that I am learning about the movie industry is how quick it seems that movies are going in and out of a market, especially with the lackluster turnout at the box office.

Obviously, there's been a lot of fear peddled out about getting COVID-19 in a theatre, but to me, if masks work, and everybody is wearing them, we should have no worry in spending less than two hours in a not completely closed (but not completely open either) space.

I do not know.  I just choose not to live in fear.

If there is as many showings as possible, I always choose the time that has the least amount of people who have purchased tickets.

I wish I had been keeping count, but I was the only one in the theater for "Blackbird" this evening at the Regal in Tomball.

It is sad to see movies having a hard time bouncing back, it seems.

I wonder if they will completely make it back.  

I do not know if some of them are still working on the last of their CARES act monies and then didn't get the pick me up that was expected with the showing of "Tenet".

And that is a movie that I have not yet seen.  Largely because it is two and a half hours long.

In a perfect world, I will see three more movies in the next three days, but stay tuned:  that's yet to be seen.

I had a fun time throwing a football in the living room with my daughter.

It seems like the large church young adults’ group that she goes to on Tuesday nights is playing flag football on Saturday, October 3.

She does not want to go out there like - as she put it - "dumb throwing girl" so we threw it back and forth about 10 or so times.  More work to come.  It was fun.  We had some laughs from it.

I am so appreciative of having my daughter be my very best friend in life.

I wish, however, though, that somebody might find me interesting enough to try and wrestle that title away from her.

H.B.'s Barrel Races

9/12/20 - 16.5 - Magnolia (2nd in 3D Open; 1st in 2D Youth) $
9/04/20 - 16.197 - Magnolia (5th in 3D Open; 2nd in 2D Youth)
8/21/20 - 17.4 - Magnolia
8/14/20 - 19.4 - Buffalo
7/31/20 - 18.15 - Magnolia (10th of 25 in Open; 2nd of 7 in Youth) $
7/20/20 - 16.494 - Magnolia
7/10/20 - 18.4 - Magnolia

Slow Leak and Customer Service; August 11, 2020

So you have to be able to laugh at yourself, right?

I haven't shared it openly, but I needed to make a trip to Pennsylvania this past weekend so I could open up an Estate account for the Estate of my uncle, who passed away in mid-June.

He and my aunt, who passed just a few days before Christmas last year, had named me the executor of their will about nine years ago.

It is an honor to be entrusted with such a responsibility - one that I put close to on par of putting together the memorial service for my sister six and a half years ago.

After I left the Altoona, Pennsylvania area two months ago, when we met with and started to work with the attorney that is handling the legal affairs of the Estate, Texas became one of many COVID-19 hot spots -- and made it such that anybody traveling to the Commonwealth from the Lone Star state had to self-quarantine for 14 days.

Couldn't afford nor did I have the time to be able to do that.

So flying into Pennsylvania from Texas was out!

Since the procedure to get sworn in as the executor of the will with Blair County in Pennsylvania was remote, via FaceTime, I elected to stay in Texas and then tried to get the Estate account setup without having to go there.

I spoke with the bank - Investment Savings Bank - that my aunt and uncle did their banking with about what needed to be done to open it, and they said I had to be there in person.

My only other option - at the time - was to open an account here in Texas and with a letter with the appropriate documentation, they could close the checking and savings accounts, cut a check and mail it to me for deposit.

I visited Chase Bank, where I've been doing my banking since they acquired Texas Commerce Bank, early last week and they came back and told me that there was a Commonwealth law that Estate accounts for wills in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania must be at Pennsylvania banks.

The rationale of using Chase was that since they have branches in Pennsylvania, any check presented on the Estate to a Pennsylvania business wouldn't be an out-of-state check.  But, to no avail.

Like Willie Nelson, I was "On The Road Again".

When I went to leave the hotel Sunday morning in Lexington, Kentucky, the indicator on the back right tire was that it was low on pressure, but it wasn't flat.  I went and aired it up, and then proceeded to head in the direction of the airport in Lexington to exchange it out.

While waiting on hold on the phone en route, I noticed that the psi number went up from 48 to 49 and that it was holding.

Exercising a great deal of faith, I decided to press on to Pennsylvania.  Much to my relief - and surprise, it basically held all the way and it was at 40 psi this morning.

(Oh, I had called the Budget office in State College and they didn't have a car in my class to swap out.  They also said that they would just put air in it as any patching had to be sent out from Roadside Assistance.)

I surmised that the tire was slowly leaking the entire time since the car was put into service.  When I got the car on Friday, it had about 7,600 miles on it.  (Not anymore!)

That gets you caught up to today, Tuesday.

On Monday, the good folks at Investment Savings Bank (ISB) were super helpful in helping me get the Estate account set up and monies transferred over from my aunt and uncle's checking, savings and Christmas Club accounts.

The first order of business was to go to another local bank to get the payoff amount for a loan where the house was noted as collateral.

That's what I did Tuesday morning.

It took about 10-15 minutes to handle everything when I realized I forgot one thing:  I wanted to get $5 worth of quarters in case I needed to air the tire up on the way home.  I didn't want to have to ask every convenience store in the south to make change to do so -- especially in a national coin shortage!

So I hadn't even left the building, waited my turn behind another customer and then spoke to the same young lady who worked with me to accept a large check to pay off a loan and she said, "I can't do that since you're no longer a customer of the bank."

I was stunned.  I got it, but it was one of those "Really?" moments.

I said, "Well, since I'm a customer of ISB, I'll just go right down the road" and left.

Needless to say, when I went to ISB, the folks there were more than a little surprised, but since I was a customer there, they gladly did it for me.

One of the many benefits of a smaller business.

However, that's not the best of it.

So I stopped at Sheetz and went to the machine to put air in my tire -- and their machine was free.  Hashtag that as #thankful.  Even though I had $5 worth of quarters.

I went inside, grabbed some items for a late breakfast / early lunch and headed back up Plank Road and got on 99 and started to head south - to head to Texas.

About two or three exits down, specifically exit 32 for Roaring Spring and Portage, I realized that I forgot to get the contents on my hotel room -- other than my laptop bag, which I always carry with me!

I was in such a good mood - for many reasons - that I almost came to Tennessee, where I stopped tonight, without my clothes and other belongings!

Google says I logged 713 miles from Altoona, Pennsylvania to Dickson, Tennessee tonight.

Very thankful I made it here with everything and all in once piece!