I wrote this early Sunday morning, November 1, 2020. Like right after midnight. I've had a chance to sleep on it, but my emotional state hasn't changed since then.
I can't stand fake, phony people, those who are users (and there have been some of those I didn't catch on to quickly enough, kk/as/lr) or those who don't make their intentions known.
I also don't understand why we place so much emphasis on social media. Why is it really so important?
What's burning me up tonight?
I was asked on Thursday from someone, "Been meaning to ask you... can we become fb friends again?"
I hedged for a little bit, but my response was: "If it is important to you, then yes."
Here's the deal: I wouldn't lose a minute's sleep if I wasn't - friends with them on Facebook - because I haven't been for years - talking maybe five to six years.
I don't have a bead on what they're doing nor (have I or) do I want to because when I see them in person, up until recently, they would never, ever talk to me.
They would talk freely with everybody else, but not have a serious dialogue of any kind with me.
It really burned me up. And still does to some extent. (But they would make an extra effort to say good bye - as they did to everybody - when they left.)
Does that reveal a need on their end? I don't know.
One of the few verses that I cling to is the one that speaks to showing yourself friendly if you expect to have friends.
While I have liked the individual, I have really resented the lack of communication and if any, the lack of any substance.
I added as a caveat, to my response, "But fair warning, reading my Facebook page is way more effective than NyQuil, according to the percentage of people who respond!"
Which should have really read "don't respond!"
Their response was: "-Shaking my head-". (I don't know if that was typed or if that was a moving emoji on the newest iOS, which I haven't loaded to my iPhone yet.)
While I don't know if they were just disagreeing with the latter statement or were disapproving of my reasoning for grant their wish, I extended the invitation and they accepted.
But, here's the deal: I hide very, very little on my Facebook as I have nothing really to hide.
The bottom line is: I'm boring.
Nor am I too funny or the life of the party.
(Unless, you've taken the time to engage enough with me to know that I'm a really good guy with a big heart.)
If I weren't either of those, I suppose that I wouldn't spend as much time alone as I do.
I'm not mad, but probably more disappointed than anything else.
I think you learn about people by talking with them (or openly communicating with them in electronic formats), although occasionally you learn something via social media that you didn't catch in a face to face conversation.
And those things have caused me to pull away from those individuals online first and eventually in person.
I have failed - and continue to fail - in giving people too much credence or importance in my life. If I were to make a list of friends, there are some that are high in the list when they really haven't done anything to earn it.
And then I have to ask myself why - when I'm disappoined that they haven't reciprocated as much as the ranking of importance that I gave them - I do give them that perceived stature.
I think I have an error in judging people.
I'll leave out the gory details, but when either people don't reach out to you on their own (an indication that they think about you and want to engage and interact with you) or conversations are all one-sided, you just realize that people are fake, or they're troubled and maybe crying out for help. I don't know. You, the reader, might have to give me some insight there.
This individual, though, by the way, recently expressed some concern about how life was becoming increasingly hard and constantly being uphill.
The person also had revealed to me earlier this year that a friend of theirs had committed suicide.
Their words: "But I worry that I limiting myself by just looking at what’s in front of me, and nothing else. Will I ever be able to grasp more again? Life has become overwhelming... a constant uphill."
I had a choice: Just end the conversation or respond.
And one of my thoughts was that if they really were troubled and did something drastic and I did nothing would I be able to live with that. Of course not.
So my response was nuanced, but sincere: "Although I imagine that you have about 1.2 million more friends than I do (lots of people know who I am ... but that doesn't mean they're all friends) ... if you need two ears to beat down, let me know (and I'll use both ends of the Q-tip on each ear to make sure I hear clearly). Hang in there."
They were grateful.
I've learned the hard way. One of the major reasons why I don't as much road race announcing as I used to is because a pair of race producers felt it was OK to delay payment and another didn't like when I felt like they had crossed an ethical line.
And while life compared to what it was in the last four to five years is much quieter because those producers behaved badly, I have to wonder why I even continue to pine over it. Maybe because I still feel used.
I have a couple that are race directors who count us - me and my daughter - as part of their running family and invite us to visit on Christmas Day at their place every year. (Not that I expect every one to do that!) But it is just their way of saying we really like and appreciate you.
But back to the original story: you're not going to find out a lot about me by being friends with me on Facebook. Oh, you'll see the things that I do, but I never, ever post much opinion on anything, especially any social causes. I just never want those to affect my current or future potential for employment.
I mean I have an opinion on something in this current election cycle that I think is just absolutely childish, but I'm not going to put it out there.
I just choose to distance myself from those people who display the behavior that I find disgusting and basically gutless.
So wouldn't it be wise to have a conversation with me, if you want to know?
I just think that many people are disingenuous. They want their ego stroked with the least amount of commitment as possible.
In essence, they really don't want to know.
They're just in the business of collecting friends. And they have plenty. The one post that I saw after a "reconnect" had 130+ likes and 30+ comments after ten hours. (Now, of course, when I post something of my daughter, it blows Facebook up too.)
Or they're waiting for me to ask them, you might say?
In this one case, that just won't happen. It will never happen I don't believe.
Why?
While they're not a bad person (in fact I put the person and their children down as "good people"), I just don't trust them or their intentions.
If it just about being a friend, it is an odd way going about it, I think.
I errored.
Actually, I should have just said, "No, I don't think it would be a good idea."
Because this writing - in this post - is the output of me trying to please them by connecting via that medium.
The only thing that they've ever responded on was something that I posted in the last month when I tagged my best friend and their running coach on something that I had made light of regarding a shortage during our COVID-19 pandemic.
Otherwise, make an effort, check the page out, like a post and comment on it.
If not, then why are you or, more importantly, were you lurking?
A good female race director friend of mine who I'm sharing all of this with and who has been of great counsel for me in matters of this type said that she had heard or read that after you browse somebody's Facebook profile a few times, you show up in their "Friends to Know" (or whatever it is named).
This person had and I removed them from the list. This has been awhile back ago (some time between last online communications of April and September).
Or is all of this saying that this is this person's way of saying that they're interested.
I don't know. I hate stuff like this. I probably should be more forward, but I've been shot down on stuff enough. It sucks, to be honest.
They had come to an event that I was working at the beginning of last month. It was a two-day thing - Friday evening and Saturday morning. I had seen them from afar - that word has some memories in this vain - Friday evening, but there wasn't any acknowledgement.
The next day while I finished up the responsibilities of one of the five or six events within an event, the individual came to the fence with their younger child to say "Hello!"
It was a good conversation with both of them. The younger child is a seventh grader and communicated very well.
I noted later, "I really appreciated you and your child stopping to take the time and visiting for a few minutes. You could have easily gotten my attention from afar, waived and called it a day. So thank you. They seem older than a 7th grader. In that, they engaged in conversation well. You should be proud."
I never compliment anybody unless I believe it to be true.
My female race director friend says in these moments that I should just play it cool. I try.
Again, it's hard.
If you want to be a friend, show yourself friendly, but this person is very guarded and measured to me (as if they can't trust me), yet I see them being a passionate FRIEND - and nothing more - toward other people.
Did at one point in time I shut them out? Yes, but not from the fact that they were trying to be a friend - and they failed. I just hated seeing them with somebody that I thought was bad for them, and I didn't want to watch. Jealous? Sure, I owned that emotion.
They would run a race that I was announcing and I had to professionally announce their name - I wouldn't do anything less because that would take away from being a professional - while I saw them with this individual.
I'm open for advice.
I do know that this right here though isn't healthy at all.
It is stressful, and I don't like it.
If you're the praying kind, keep me in your prayers. At my age, I don't need this.
