Simple, Yet True; April 29, 2021

An empath craves love, respect and companionship.  (Or in my case friendship.)

A narcissist craves admiration, attention and control.

Stuff makes so much sense when I've seen it now for a few weeks over and over. 

Some Recent Memes and Responses; April 28, 2021

+ In a Narcissistic relationship you end up trying to prove your worth to someone spectacularly devoid of anything like the worth that you possess.  (Truth, but you don't really see this until you're on the way out.  My friend told me, "They don't deserve you.")

+ Your anxiety acts up around certain people because their energy disturbs your spirit.  (I think it is more of their lack of a normal value system.)

+ Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess.  Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.  (Obsess is what I did.  It took a real friend being exactly that with nothing to gain and just being willing to spend time with you.  It was such an amazing 180 that I literally cried.)

+ Having anxiety is the most silently painful experience.  It makes no sense and you sit there alone and suffer for an unknown reason.  (I experienced that.  Although I knew the reason:  another's bad behavior and lack of concern.)

+ If you have the chance to make people happy, just do it.  Sometimes people are struggling silently.  Maybe, your act of kindness can make their day.  (I honestly try every day to engage positively with people when the opportunities present themselves.)

+ You don't owe loyalty to someone who mistreats you.  (Lot of truth to that.)

+ I will fight for you, but I will never fight over you.  If someone else has your attention over me, they can have you.  (It was never about a relationship, but a friendship.  However, starting the last weekend of March when I learned their communications - in person and beyond - with another, that was the start of things ending.)

+ People think being alone makes you lonely but I don't think that's true.  Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.  (Have experienced some of that.  Lot of truth there.)

+ If you sabotage a healthy relationship when you finally receive one, it may be because peace was never granted to you without a catch.  Peace looks threatning when all you've ever known was chaos.  (I really believe that this person that I've had challenges with looks at the world this way.)

+ You think you can hurt me?  I'm an overthinker.  I already knew you were going to hurt me.  (Yes and no.  I knew it would be a "no", but I figured it would have had some communication.  Never did I thought I would be ghosted and then they would take pleasure in seeing me visibly upset.  As I've said before, that's just plain sick.) 

Miles and Miles - 03/25/21 to 04/24/21

Tracking my efforts in 2021:

March 25 - April 24 - 66.326 miles - 33.525 miles walking - 33.2 miles walking (Apple Health) - 57.9 miles cycling

March 25 (Thursday) - 4 miles walking along The Woodlands Waterway (1:02:48.40) and 1 mile walking in Hannover Forest subdivision (15:24.10) - 10 miles cycling on Air Assault bike (30:09) - 0.3 miles walking (Apple Health)
March 26 (Friday) - 1.5 miles walking (Apple Health)
March 27 (Saturday) - 3.1 miles at Steps For Stephen 5K in Louise and 1.46 miles in Edna - 2.76 miles walking (Apple Health)

March 28 (Sunday) - 5 miles at Texas 10 Huntsville 5M in Huntsville - 1.4 miles walking (Apple Health)
March 29 (Monday) - 11.8 miles cycling on Air Assault bike (35:33) - 0.76 miles walking (Apple Health)
March 30 (Tuesday) - 3.132 miles at Knox Junior High - 0.783 miles walking at Knox Junior High - 0.54 miles walking (Apple Health)
March 31 (Wednesday) - 1 mile walking (Apple Health)
April 1 (Thursday) - 4 miles walking along The Woodlands Waterway (1:02:50.60) - 1 mile walking (Apple Health)
April 2 (Friday) - 3 miles walking in Hannover Forest subdivision - 10.2 miles cycling on Air Assault bike (30:07) - 0.4 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 3 (Saturday) - 0.62 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 4 (Sunday) - 3.1 miles at The Woodlands Running Club 5K in The Woodlands (30:53.66) - 0.8 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 5 (Monday) - 4 miles walking along The Woodlands Waterway (1:02:36.20) - 0.9 miles walking (Apple Health)

April 6 (Tuesday) - 3.132 miles at Knox Junior High - 0.522 miles walking at Knox Junior High - 1.3 miles walking (Apple Health)

April 7 (Wednesday) - 0.79 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 8 (Thursday) - 0.84 miles walking (Apple Health)

April 9 (Friday) - 15.7 miles cycling on Air Assault bike (45:16) - 1.1 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 10 (Saturday) - 13.1 miles at Blue Bell Fun Run Half Marathon in Brenham - 2.7 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 11 (Sunday) - 1.5 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 12 (Monday) - 4 miles walking along The Woodlands Waterway (1:02:28.22) - 0.4 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 13 (Tuesday) - 4.176 miles walking at Knox Junior High - 0.6 miles walking (Apple Health)

April 14 (Wednesday) - 4 miles along The Woodlands Waterway (43:03) - 0.72 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 15 (Thursday) - 3.1 miles on The Woodlands Waterway 5K parkrun course (31:44.03) - 0.46 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 16 (Friday) - 2.87 miles in Hannover Forest subdivision (30:25) - 1.13 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 17 (Saturday) - 4 miles along The Woodlands Waterway (43:09.44) - 3.1 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 18 (Sunday) - 5 miles at Texas 10 Sienna 5-Miler (49:00.05) - 2.8 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 19 (Monday) - 4 miles walking along The Woodlands Waterway (1:03:58.50) - 0.6 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 20 (Tuesday) - 3.1 miles on The Woodlands Waterway 5K parkrun course (30:01.55) and 3.132 miles at Knox Junior High - 0.4 miles walking (Apple Health) 

April 21 (Wednesday) - 4.044 miles walking at Knox Junior High - 0.5 miles walking (Apple Health)

April 22 (Thursday) - 2 miles in Hannover Forest subdivision (19:56) and 4 miles along The Woodlands Waterway - 0.86 miles walking (Apple Health)

April 23 (Friday) - 10.2 miles cycling on Air Assault bike (30:05) - 0.42 miles walking (Apple Health)
April 24 (Saturday) - 3.1 miles at the Mission 5K Fun Run in Valley Mills (30:05.91)  - 1 mile walking (Apple Health)

Learning and Growing; April 25, 2021

Ran a little bit of a test today.

I took some pictures at the first of two races that I attended today and some of them I put on the Facebook page of my best friend's running group in real time.

I - after I ran my second race of the morning - offered them to the individual that controls the Instagram account since earlier I did thwart a picture request from Blue Bell with me instructing them to ask for pictures from my best friend.

They never did and used another (as I said before, didn't bother me one bit), and then with pictures that I took at a race they did well at last Saturday, they, of course, never asked for the ones that I shared in the same place.

It was about keeping a hook in me when I hadn't contacted them since their response to the request to resolve the issues between us days after The Woodlands Marathon, which they firmly rebuffed.

I've been advised by many to have no contact with the individual (and was following that because they never offered any explanation(s) for their actions), but I tried to extend grace and forgiveness - of their behavior when I probably shouldn't have - and offered for them to use what I took today.

I had my statement handed back to me, which is OK.

I replied "No worries.  I offered.  Thank you for responding."

It could have either gone this way or to have accepted them - and have tried to start somewhere.  

I feel bad that they're butt hurt, but at this point I don't care.

I had liked to have had their friendship over the years, but honestly, I don't need nor want it.

It is now gone forever.

They brought up something to me in early February about being "on again and off again" since 2012 and I was like, "And its bothered you this long and you've never said anything?"  

Tells me the whole story.  It was about them trying to keep the "obedient admirer" act up. 

And in the past, I would have been spiraling.

No more.  I had a lot of help to get me to this point to where their actions do not bother me.

I totally expected this.

I now know what to expect in the future.

All good.  I had a great day, in more ways than one. 

Never Retaliated; April 23, 2021

Basically, I was thankful to receive some intel on how this individual responded to different situations and even though I hadn't seen texts that they had sent with my own eyes I talked to the person who had.

As much as I wanted to at times, I knew that they would have eventually shared them with people to destroy the true nice guy nature that I possess and live.

Even with this picture that they took on Sunday at the race we both ran, I figured that they knew that I would look at it and react.

While I wanted to, I just posted it here to say, "I see and have noted the attempt."

Honestly, though, it is such a waste of energy.  If they had just given a little of themselves on a regular, consistent basis and felt like they were even being close to open, I would be returning what I do to pretty much everybody on a regular basis.

One day and one brick on the wall at a time. 

 

Pretty Sad; April 23, 2021

Pretty sad that - in the end - a person that you once thought so well of has actually turned out to be somebody you will never, ever be able to trust again.

I saw the other day, "Be proud of your kind heart.  Not everyone has it."  True.

A good friend said it another way, "Never change your kind soul."

I also saw, "The ones who notice the storm in your eyes, the silence in your voice, and the heaviness in your heart are the ones you need to let in."

And I have a good crew to count on.

I'm thankful.

Sunday's Picture From Sienna 10; April 21, 2021

Seen and documented.  Definitely not a random picture.

Some Recent Memes and Responses; April 20, 2021

+ With each day of no contact, you heal.  (Truth.)

+ Vibe so high that toxic people in your life disappear because they no longer know how to approach you.  (Honestly, they don't want to.  They don't seek real friendship.  They know they did wrong, but offered a "I got into trouble" response.  How do you teach your children to offer forgiveness to others?  Force it out of them?  Model it.)

+ Be nice and kind and loving (which I am), but the moment people show you who they truly are, believe them the first time they hurt you.  (The latter is where I failed.  And I've learned that they take an almost perverse joy in seeing you hurt.)

+ Don't be scared to rock alone.  The sun be alone everyday and still shine.  (Had to laugh at this one.)

+ A narcissists worst nightmare is an educated empath.  (When you take a stealth picture of me and share it on your running group's IG story this weekend.)

+ Start rewarding inconsistency with unavailability.  

+ Quiet people are actually talkative around the right people.

+ You don't always attract what you are.  Sometimes you attract people who want what you have.  (I've had one friend who knows them suggest this.)

+ Always remember that no one can do what you do.  Like you do.  Embrace your uniqueness.

+ Put yourself first even if it hurts.  (Working on it and was reminded that this weekend by somebody who knows them.)

+ Stop breaking your own heart by trying to make a relationship work that clearly isn't meant to work.  (Never wanted a relationship; just a good friendship.)

+ Toxic narcissists have an intensely overdeveloped ego and hold a deep belief they are superior to others.  (I believe this wholeheartedly about the one that I've encountered.  They want to show others we're friends, but they clearly think they're better.  I'll let God be the judge of that.  I don't think I'm better than anybody.)

+ To constantly hurt someone deeply and then treat them as if they hurt you is a form of mental illness.  (I won't go that far, but they've seen me, tried to reach out once for a picture - could have cleared the air there - and they know every day what's transpired and what's right and have done nothing to resolve it.  Quite honestly, that's sick.)

Saturday At The Races; April 17, 2021

Great day, even with a little bit of drama mixed in.

Not really, just even something I couldn't have planned if I wanted.

I did not have plans to go a race in Conroe this morning, instead having thoughts about traveling somewhere to do so.

However, I measured the course for this event before last year's race, which was actually held before the pandemic, and then to make sure things went smoothly on the course I stayed at the 5K turnaround and the 10K out-and-back to make sure everybody went the right direction.

Fast forward a year, as the week kind of crazily unfolded, I decided to just stay at home and help them out again.

I got there a little after 7 a.m., met with the timer to pick up the signs and then started to lay them out.

I got back to the main area a little after 8 a.m., conversed with many friends, talked about the course at about 8:45 a.m. and then went out to the turnaround.

As the 10K'ers started to come my way, my issue was running right at me.

I saw the white top and the colors on them first and then realized who it was.

Again, the best strategy with their type is "no contact" and they were simply a 10K runner today.

They called my name as they ran by, but I remained focused on what I was there to do.

Let's just state for the record, that it is all that they ever really say.

As my good race directing friend said, they only do more than that when they want something.

Saw many people that I knew and had a great time giving back to the community that I've invested in since the early-to-mid 2000's.

What goes out on an out-and-back must come back, so I had time to prepare.

The 10K runners had to do a little short 227-foot out-and-back to my left.

It was just simply a point down this way and when they went past, I stepped up in the middle of the street where I didn't have to even not make eye contact.

Not really my style, but hey, they forced me into all of this, not me.

Be a real friend and you get treated as such.

Be something less - a lot less - and you become just like I never knew who you were to begin with.

That individual had a great race and did well.

So what do I do?  They belong to my best friend's group and I control the Facebook page.

I had posted a picture of the runners who I knew were there earlier in the morning so I would never let my personal feelings get in the way of being professional; therefore, I posted a well-deserved congratulations.

Of course, they said thanks - in comments - as if nobody knows and that they were just being so sweet and kind.

I see through the veneer, and know differently.

They could have not and it wouldn't have bothered me one bit.

It is what's called being a professional is all about as a journalist.

All in all, didn't bother me one bit.  Wasn't triggered by their appearance.

They had actually been registered for the race based on how the bib numbers were assigned, which I had no clue.  Again, my plan was to be elsewhere.

Still I wouldn't have avoided even if I knew, but I would have documented it like this in case they tried to suggest something that wasn't the case.

So I spent a bunch of time picking up signs, etc. and as I came back to the race headquarters, I made a turn and who was walking in the middle of the street:  they were.

I made eye contact and there were two really fake smiles exchanged and that's perfectly OK.

They are not anybody that I can ever trust again to be honest in any way, shape or form.

All I ever asked for was a little time to 1.) get to know a little more after them being around for 7-8 years and not having more than a three-minute conversation in person and then 2.) later wanting to seek to clear the air - and find out why they blew by me and my daughter on the Saturday morning of The Woodlands 5K - among a few other things.

Some people you meet and find out what their true character is.

What they don't know is that even through all of this two folks in their running group approached me saying that she had been robbed of a first place overall - and that instead they gave her third (and first to a 50-and-over runner).

I knew that she was first.  There was no question.

So I went to the race officials and questioned on their behalf and found out that the ones that approached me were in error and that they just gave age group only awards and not overall.

I let them know amidst a group that they were in.

I had a couple of conversations with people that I trust regarding this situation while I was out there.

And, of course, one strongly reminded me to take care of me.

I genuinely appreciated somebody being brutally honest with me, not that I didn't know that already, but it was good to have somebody care about me enough to remind me "life is short".

Thank you.  That person knows who they are.

Continuing To Unpack The Damage; April 15, 2021

We make errors.  Every day.  All of us do.

Only error in my most recent situation that I made was extending too much credibility to someone who didn't earn it.

I shared some vulnerabilities and they exploited them for the attention and most importantly the respect and kindness that I extended to them.

As long as they didn't have to reveal any of those to anybody, it was an emotional gravy train for them.

I had one other bad experience ten years ago and the one thing that I've learned is to document, document, document, especially in today's culture.

I've never deleted anything.  

Heck, I even blocked somebody on Facebook as a test to make sure I didn't lose anything from them when I had done so.

I've actually never had a one-on-one conversation away from people with the person.

So in the end, I'm actually glad that they didn't accept when I asked for time after they said that all of our recent encounters were brief.

I don't have that to worry about.

And for the record, I never expected them to accept.  I knew better, but through it all it revealed their true character.

I shared something on Instagram through the night when I was wide awake at about 1:10 a.m.

It was very generic, but very true too.

I appreciate those who reached out and said that they had experienced it too.

And to the one who shared an article that spelled out basically over time how it came to be, thank you.

Tap Out Ten; April 14, 2021

New guy actually showed up at the track tonight.

He’s a good guy.

I hope the fact when he said he’s talking to her that it means she’ll leave me alone for good.

I seriously have been praying and asking God to make it go away but to watch over and take care of her.

I hold no malice toward anyone.

I want people to do well.

Always have, always will.

I tried to be a friend but their version and mine were different.

They didn’t want to be seen with me or converse with me for any length but they wanted to claim all of the benefits of friendship.

It just wasn’t right.

I hope and pray they do better.

God’s not going to love us more than He already does.  So that isn’t something that I can ask for, but I did ask for Him to take care of her and her girls however they needed.

That’s what kind of man that I am.

I can give up on what I would want and feel like I needed if they came out ahead in the end even without me involved in any facet of their life.

I wasn’t involved to begin with.

I’ll not stop being kind and loving and caring but I’ll be a bit more careful - even at my age - to give everything I have out there.

I just keep plugging along.

Some days it isn’t fun at all.

Some days all of the things that I do and am involved in isn’t satisfying and what I feel like I need for my life.

I have great friends who have helped me dearly in this season in life and I am grateful.

AJ/BD/WW/EP and most recently a high school classmate of mine.

I really wish everybody could be like these folks but people can’t be all things to all people.

I’ll keep praying and asking God what I can learn from all of this.

As I’ve asked before, if you’re reading, please pray for me to have peace from all of this that I sorely need.

It’s been incredibly stressful, and all I want is peace.

Churches Attended and Visited in 2021

January 3 - Absent (Ran Canton Half Marathon)

January 10 - Absent (Traveling in Louisiana)

January 17 - Absent (Covered Hardloop Endurance 50K Project)

January 24 - Visited Magnolia's First Baptist Church (Dr. Ed Seay)
January 31 - Absent (Ran Texas 10 College Station 5M and didn't get to First Baptist of Bryan as planned)
February 7 - Absent (Ran Texas 10 Bridgeland at Conroe)
February 14 - Absent
February 21 - Absent

February 28 - Absent

March 7 - Absent

March 14 - Absent
March 21 - Absent (Announcing Pearland Half Marathon and 10K)
March 28 - Absent

April 4 - Absent

April 11 - Absent (Texas 10 Katy)

Drying Up The Supply; April 14, 2021

I sincerely hope that the effort that I took two days ago to dry up the “supply” to an individual works.

Briefly, after a communication a couple of days after The Woodlands Marathon where they said that there was “nothing to repair” - despite their actions to not allow an open dialogue that any good friendship would have, I have been practicing a “no contact” approach.

I visited my best friend on March 13 as his weekly run group was over one Saturday morning. 

My thought before I made it there after running a local grass roots 5K is that she would be gone. 

She had reappeared from her vehicle as I approached the area. She avoided me likely thinking I was there to try and force a conversation. I was not.

Without having responded to the Facebook Messenger communication, which left no opportunity for open dialogue, and after additional information was communicated to me, I made a decision to block her on social media platforms as a means of self preservation.

I showed up to run - and perform some administrative duties for the Texas 10 Series - in Huntsville on March 28. I knew that she was there that morning and I avoided her and most of the individuals in my best friend’s group, including not talking with my best friend at all.

Once my responsibilities were complete and after a short conversation with real friends from a running club to our north, I visited the timer, who I’m really good friends with, and then left. 

While there I glanced back to where I had been and saw that she was having a conversation with one of those two people and then on the second glance saw that she was looking in my direction.

During the week, I had cleared things up with my best friend. Fortunately he understood what was going on.

After the first weekend of April was complete, I did a results recap, posted it on his blog and Facebook page.

There was an item of personal interest to her that I knew about and I was publicly thanked for it in the midst of another item.

I perceived it, although genuine on the surface, as an attempt to present an image to everybody that we’re great friends.

We’re not.

I didn’t respond.

I will always be a professional as it comes to recognition and praise. In an earlier dialogue in maybe early February when I was "wished well", I said that I would always do what was right when those situations presented themselves in the realm of my community responsibilities (announcing, writing, et. al.)

What I was being thanked for was really just me being doing what was right, even though the information didn’t come freely to me from her and something that I had to use my intuition on and look up.

Another week had passed to this past Sunday at a race in Katy. I didn’t run as I was beat up from my race on Saturday.

She was there.

I continued to create distance and space by me being far away from where she was and I communicated with other individuals. 

I didn’t really enjoy the energy from all of that but it was better than two weeks before.

As the race began, I was standing with my best friend and she ran directly toward him and maybe gave him some keys to hold. I didn’t look nor ask and I did not make eye contact as she passed.

I completed the duties I had come to do, had a short conversation with some real friends from that running club to the north and left. I not once looked to see where they were at.

Again, if I’m not allowed to have an open discussion to resolve, for me, the issues that I have, why should I appear to be friendly - which would negate that I had concerns - and maintain any contact.

Yes, it felt (and feels) mean, but I wasn’t given any choice.

So Monday rolls around and they were beginning to update my best friend’s Instagram account. 

While I had kept the blog up to date as soon as my best friend had given me results, she had not updated the Instagram since late February.

I wasn’t judging. I likely have way more free time than they do.

There was a picture that I took from Blue Bell on Saturday that she wanted to use that I took. My best friend and I always ask for permission to use pictures so the request was a fair one.

There was a general “hope you are well” and a “I’ve been enjoying reading your posts” and then the ask.

I simply replied that she needed to run the requests for those and in the future to my best friend. I wasn’t trying to put him in the middle, but rather reinforce the “no contact” with her.

She replied, “Will do that. Thanks Jon.”

Did she? No.

She got another picture from one of the other three in the picture and used that one.

Am I upset? No. I don’t care.

But it just proved that the contact wasn’t about the photo, it was an attempt to keep her in the forefront of my mind.

Why on her end? To be mean? Perhaps. I’ll never know without a discussion.

I’ve offered that repeatedly and there’s no desire to do so. So I can’t trust any communication as being sincere.

If I thought there had been a desire to clear the air attached, I’d have given the photo without even thinking twice about it.

It hurts, to be honest.

I really thought this person was beautiful inside with a beautiful soul, but over four months I've learned that I've been wrong.  Maybe they are to others, but certainly not to me.

With her knowing that I always thought well of her, back to an e-mail in May 2013, she only did what was necessary to have that feeling coming to her without having anything to offer of real substance in return.

Therefore, it is incumbent on me to chalk it all up as a loss and not engage any further.

I will have to see the individual again in the future but I will continue to not engage.

It is the only way to dry up the supply, which actually makes no sense but why else do/did they continue to reach out.

Tap Out Ten; April 9, 2021

As I have said before, I love to write.

I do not know who is reading and I don’t ask.

Anonymous reading?  I guess that is the luxury of reading blogs.  You can view into somebody’s world and decide to stay or leave and move on to somebody else.

I know recently it seems like you have been reading a crash site.

Trust me, I have felt the crash, but, you know, I am thankful for it, even though it hurts.

Last Friday, I literally got down on my knees and prayed about it.

I mean I can pray to God from anywhere, any place, and I have.

I asked for some peace and I got it.

Does not make everything go away and yes, that takes time, but I believe that he answered that small prayer to get me out of a cycle of --- I do not know what to call it.

What I do know is that the spinning has stopped – and I have some new strategies to keep it from swirling back up too soon again.

I saw a post that said something to the effect that I expect everybody to be me.

I laughed when I saw it, knowing the impossibility of it and the mostly boring nature that would present.

But, you see, I like me.

I let bad situations cloud that though.  I doubt that I like myself in those times.

I just must continually look around at the 100 who support me versus one or two who can never be open, honest, real, and vulnerable.

Have you ever noticed that people who have either done you wrong – and they know it – or have something to hide that they really do not want to get in to too long of a conversation with you.

Why?  They are afraid you will bring it up.

I do not know if that is really the case with the latest individual that I have had challenges with.

If they do not talk and share, I do not know.

So, my only choice is to be available if they do but live my life as if they do not exist – even though I know that they’re still out there.

I have had chances to be a good friend to others and I hope that I measure up to those individuals who need that from me.

I certainly do not want somebody to withhold from helping me if I really need it; therefore, I hope that I step up when those opportunities present themselves.

Nonetheless, looking forward tomorrow as I get a chance to help celebrate a friend’s birthday by running the Blue Bell Fun Run Half Marathon in Brenham.

My daughter and I will be running – not racing – it.

Looking forward to a great morning.

Lots of folks from my best friend’s running group will be there – and I know a few folks from a lot of different areas will also be in attendance.

I will try to let my hair down a bit and share some pictures tomorrow.

If you are reading, thanks.

Please pray for me.  I surely need it.

I just want to do as right as I can be as much as I can possibly be – and do my best to serve others.

Rebuilding the Wall; April 2, 2021

Had somebody on a post on Facebook on Thursday say the following, "Love yourself. Others will follow suit. And if they don’t-you didn’t need them in the first place."

I openly cried.  

I'm not too ashamed to admit it. 

Call me weak, if you'd like.  I'd like to think I have a heart.

Why?  Because the person that I've wanted to be a friend - they're not and really have never been - won't be or is only - in their mind - "when they need you for something," says one of my good friends with knowledge of the entire situation.

I wrote that person back with the following:  "And regarding your last three sentences.  I have #1 down.  Most are in the #2 category and even though a lot do for what I do, I think many realize it is a reflection of who I really am.  

"The struggle is those in #3 who act like they belong in #2 but really don't merit being in that bunch.  

"In 90 days you've probably engaged and interacted more openly than a person that I've known for eight years ... will be frank with you:  I cried - and am even tearing up again - at the last statement because it is hard to give up on people, even when you need to."

I told him that "I was going to post this in comments, but man, I'm too visible in the community."  

Few people do know about this blog -- unless the 3-7 that have seen the last couple of posts are sharing it!  :-)

I shared with him that I appreciated his boldness and openness on something preceding those three sentences that he shared.

It's hard for people to be what you'd like them to be when they don't want to be or can't be.

It's hard also when you're not good enough for them, even though they given you mixed signals that you are.

(Trust me that there are people out there who clearly let you know that you're not in their class.)

Then today, Friday, another person that I've communicated more here recently shared something from an Instagram user that said "Forgiving people in silence and never speaking to them again is a form of self care."

And I totally agree.

But I have to cross paths with the individual on a slightly regular basis.

I think I have it figured out that I likely won't see them until May, which is good, given the current situation.  (And what will remain, for sure.)

I shared with somebody, though, that they don't really ever reach out - which is a sign of where they are really at with me - and that's OK.

I'm now just trying to deal with the residual mess that's been left behind.

I'll get there.

I read something that I needed to give all of the pieces to God - and I've vowing to do that.