I really don't know if anything hurts more than being ghosted by somebody that you know.
I might not know them as well as I'd like, but when you have had face-to-face conversations, albeit brief, it is really a kick in the teeth.
So what precipitated this?
Some casual conversations, in person and electronically.
I had seen the individual on a Saturday morning.
I actually saw them arrive, but I purposely put my attention elsewhere as I stood on the corner of the location that I was at.
I was heading out a little later to run a 5K that morning at 9 a.m.
They, for the first time ever, actually approached and said something more than, "Hi Jon," and asked something related to the 5K as I had previously shared what I was doing. They had indicated that they was running with their group that morning. The same group that is headed up by my good friend.
I explained that it was at 9 a.m. and I had time to come and hang out with my best friend, which I don't always have the opportunity to do, as he saw his runners start and finish that morning. (I ended up leaving at 7:30 a.m. for the record.)
So later that day I had done an interview with a website that covers high school cross country about me announcing at the public school state meet for the first time.
I sent her a note, via Facebook Messenger, our communication channel, the said the following: "Great to see and talk with you this morning. Now here’s the buzzkill ... 🙂" And sent the link with it.
A little self-deprecating humor, but basically harmless.
They replied, "Definitely nice seeing you too Jon. Although our encounters are always briefs lately! Nice write up. I like how they described you and your work. Good luck in Round Rock this week!"
I could tell from the response that they hadn't watched the interview, but that was OK.
I rued over the second sentence all that evening and into the morning.
Although. Our. Encounters. Are. Always. Brief. Lately.
So what did that mean?
I could have ignored it, but I didn't. I stepped out on the plank - and cut it off behind me.
If anybody knows me well, I like to laugh and have a good time.
I'm not a joke teller, but I think people like me being around generally.
So, I sent the following:
"Thanks. More than brief? Hmmm. Like school options in the world of COVID, if not in person, there is a 35-minute video on that link for your viewing pleasure. It’s totally safe and you can easily cut it short if bored. And nobody would know if you did.
If in person, well, that’s a bit more tricky and risky. That’s either a run (but if you did that ... it might affect your speed permanently, which would really be a shame) or coffee/lunch and if you bore there (which is a genuine possibility), it has the potential to be really awkward. 🙂
So it’s kind of like multiple choices of either the red pill or the blue pill from the movie, “Matrix”. But I’m game if you are."
Maybe it was weak. I don't know. I tried to be light-hearted.
Face it, I knew what the answer was going to be, but there have been four distinct times that they said or did things that were clearly different. I couldn't have misread them.
In fact, with the exception of this last item, I had sought out the council of a good female race director friend that I have to make sure.
My friend had actually advised me of some behaviors that the individual had been exhibiting so I was somewhat prepared.
But I wasn't prepared to get no response.
Even a "thanks, but no thanks Jon" would have been better than nothing.
So my efforts to try and respond to their lead was muted silent.
The following Saturday, two days after Thanksgiving, we had our standard "no frills" 5K to complete out a three-race series for the holidays.
I had actually thought that they would have shown on Friday, but they didn't.
I noticed though when their vehicle pulled in the school parking lot.
I had positioned myself behind a brick column. I heard something said and one runner had mentioned by daughter's name, but it was a response to a question if she and another were the only women there. The other runner said that Waverly had run the day before. And she was there that morning and heard and saw the dialogue.
I admit that I didn't respond well. Oh, I said nothing, but when we walked to the start, I was way in front of everyone.
I could feel the negative emotion just rolling through my body.
We were at the start and I didn't make eye contact at all, but I will explain why here in just a few.
I started to the outside of the loop in the parking lot and they took the inside with other runners. I did notice that they charged off pretty hard at the start.
I had already made up my mind the day before that I would run the loop outside of the parking lot in the opposite direction. If I had run it in the current direction, there was an out-and-back and I would have had to face them when they made it to the turnaround before I did.
Going in reverse ensured that I wouldn't make it from the other side to the turnaround before they did.
As soon as I made the right-hand turn out of the school parking lot and got on the pathway, I wasn't hyperventilating, but the negative emotion and energy ended up causing me to run the same distance a minute and 40 seconds slower than I had the day before.
The finish line for the course that I had gone, while accurate, was different than what everybody else had run. So I had time to walk from the finish and collect my thoughts some, but I just couldn't bring myself to stay.
I got close enough to give my best friend the time, but I turned around and left. I didn't want to start anything.
So why didn't I stay?
Well, I had a bad experience 10 years earlier in the community and to keep a long story short I felt like if I had initiated any contact that they - albeit it would have been - and would be - crazy to do so - could have made an allegation of stalking.
I don't think they would, but I have to protect myself, sadly.
Over the days to come, I actually asked myself to be removed as an editor from the Facebook page of the group that my best friend ran - and that they run in.
I also unfriended four people that I knew that they had commented on the posts of on Facebook. One was an individual that when I shared with my daughter, she said, "You unfriended so-and-so."
Again, same thing, I didn't want to put myself into a position that somebody would think that I would stalk them.
None of the four have noticed or said anything to date.
Just really, really sad - and I can't tell you how much it hurts.
At some point, it will go away, but that day isn't today. I'm writing to help to continue to get the negative emotion out.
Because when I think of a time when something is said at some point down the road, I play out how I'm going to respond if it ever comes again and those responses aren't where I want them to be.
I continue to remind myself, though, that my worth doesn't come from this individual - and it never will, but through God and to Him, I'm enough. And I always will be.
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